Being "Un-fair"

Hello everyone, this is a very personal topic for me as this is coming straight out of my heart based on my experiences. It isabout how society treats you when you are born "un-fair". I know that is not the right word. In short, how things are unfair to people who are born "un-fair", i.e, dusky or dark skinned. I'm sure a lot of people (both women and men, girls and boys) readingthis blog will be able to relate to these experiences.

I was born dusky. Some people call it dark skinned. But most of us like to term it as "black". So I was born black. I was born skinny. 20 years back, being skinny was not appreciated like the way it is seen now. Plus I was not brought up in a cosmopolitan city like Delhi or Bangalore or Mumbai. Being skinny was always looked down at. Being dusky or rather "black" as they used to call me, was looked down at. It was as if you are born with something missing. As if you are not "complete". It is 2015 and now being skinny is considered trendy and being curvy is looked down at. A dark skinned or dusky girl is the butt of all jokes. If you end up being dusky and skinny, then you are definitely in trouble! So was I!

Here are some of the comments which I have received, which even after many years, I cannot forget. Whenever I found these comments offensive,I was told that it has to be taken with a good "sense of humour".

1. Once I was wearing a black stockings beneath a beautiful dress. My colleague/ friend asks me "Is that a black stocking or is that your leg itself?" I kept quiet and left.
2. I was getting ready for a dance competition in my college, where I need to paint one side of my face with white paint and other side with black paint. My class mates tells me "You could have saved the black paint by leaving your face as it is and just painting the other side with white paint". I clearly rememberthe guy's face even now. A bunch of girls who listened to this just ended up giggling as it is entertainment for them. I kept quiet and left.
3. Another time one guy says "Anjana you are so black (yes he did not use the term dusky or dark skinned) that Michelle Obama will get a complex. (I know it is super offensive and I'm not trying to offend Michelle Obama, but just quoting what my colleague said). I kept quiet and left.
4. There was a coffee table discussion about the book "2 states" and we were trying to find an appropriate cast. Out of enthusiasm I said "I think I can do it. I can speak good Hindi and Tamil at the same time". The guy sitting opposite to me says "Come on yaar! The heroine of "2 states" is fair, not like you! The girl should either be fair or of golden color to fit in!". I kept quiet and left.
5. My friend and I go to a beauty parlour and she introduces me to the owner and says "Hey, I have got a new customer for you. I guess I deserve a discount for this". The owner replies "Yeah you deserve a discount from me for every new customer you refer. But it will depend on whether you had referred a fair or dark girl. In this case, alas..."
6. My friend/ colleague declares openly "Why on earth do skinny and black girls even exist on earth??? I just don't understand. I can't stand them!". He did not even care to see if people are around. And he (who is dark skinned) goes on "I would definitely never marry someone who is black. I demand a fair or super fair girl." I kept quiet. Out of curiosity I asked "What exactly is your measure of fairness?". He replies "Fair means Angelina Jolie, Kristen Stewart. Fair means Kareena Kapoor". I left silently.

These are just a few of the incidents. If I start writing each and every experience it will take more than a day. Apart from what I have faced, I personally know a lot of women who were trashed by mother-in-laws for being "un-fair" (dusky/ dark). They get treated with the utmost disrespect. Sometimes these mother-in-laws even ask their sons to remarry a fair girl and ditch the current dark-skinned-wife. 

Apart from this discrimination, I have also faced the usual misbehaviour which any other girl would have also faced. It includes men taking advantage in a crowded bus, while travelling alone in a train, while walking in a crowded market place, while going to a temple festival etc.

Having said all these, you will have a question - Did I grow up with a low self-esteem? No. I will tell you why. Keeping all the above experiences aside, I was fortunate enough to have befriended gentlemen, an educated family, colleagues who looked beyond skin colour or size or shape. Though there is more than one reason for me to hate men, I always had friends who are gentlemen and respected women. I was just fortunate. But there would be a lot of girls who would have received no support and would have been treated low in their own family. What will happen to them? There is a high chance of them growing up with very low self esteem. Feeling rebellious. I am just fortunate enough to not to have missed any opportunity in life only due to my skin colour.

Having told my experiences do I feel rebellious or revengful towards those guys/ men? No. Here is the reason. Why do these guys look down at people (men and women) who are not fair-skinned? This is because this is what society has always taught them. This is what even their mothers say at their homes. Racism begins at home! Before blaming anyone we need to look at ourselves if we are racists. Do we have the maturity to look at a person irrespective of his/her colour or size or shape? What exactly do we teach our children? If our kids pick up racism from their friends, do we even care to correct them?

A lot is always said on how British had used racism against India and how Indians feel the heat of racism in many other countries. But before blaming the English men or any other people from a foreign nation, do we even look around and see that racism and discrimination based on colour is happening in every nook and corner of our own "Incredible India"?? In my experience I never faced a bit of racial discrimination anywhere outside my own home country. What am I supposed to feel?

I had blogged on the same topic alsmot 6 years back and I had faced questions like "Have you not used fairness creams to get a better complexion?", "You must be a permanent customer of Fair & Lovely and you are talking all these". Trust me on this. I've never depended on a fairness cream. I'm a complete makeup junkie, I love mositurizers and anti-ageing creams and foundation and compacts and lipsticks. But I'm not a customer of fairness products.

Now, a lot of people will argue saying it is somebody's preference to not like a dark skinned or dusky girl/boy. You cannot enforce a rule on all. True. I am not enforcing. You can have preferences in your personal space, but the least you can do is stay away from hurting somebody in the name of colour. Stay away from hurting or insulting somebody for their shape or size.

Just yesterday, a Cabinet Minister has passed a comment saying "Only if Rajiv Gandhi had married a Nigerian and not Sonia Gandhi who is fair-skinned, will Congress be still supporting her?" This was followed by a bunch of men laughing. This is supposed to be taken lightly with a good "sense of humour"??? Everytime I even tried to question why someone has to hurt me for my colour, I was told to take it with "sense of humour". So where does sense of humour end and racism start? Can we really take the Minister as a person with a great sense of humour? When will India's obsession for fair-skin end?? 

Having said my points, I would have expected to see any of these points reflect in a relevant form in a video meant for women empowerment. These should be represented to bring the essense and not look glossy as shown in "My Choice" video. I do not believe that the need of the hour is to stand up for every woman to chose one night stands or casual affairs or wear skimpy clothes or make an independent decision on having a baby or not. But the need of the hour is to work towards a better society by teaching our kids (daughters and sons), teach ourselves (irrespective of whether you are a man or a woman) to not discriminate, not to hurt or insult any man or woman based on their colour/ size/ shape/many other factors.

Let us realize that it is not just the men in our society who need a change. A whole lot of women need to change too. Let us not discriminate. Let us not judge anyone. Respect women and men too. I belive quality education can bring this required change.

I would definitely like to see the opinion of all those people who read this note. I would in fact love to see guys in my FB friends list comment.